Sunday, February 28, 2010

Lots to Celebrate! Lots to Miss!

What a month for Kaden!

He turned 10. He was baptized into Christ!

Mom and I talked and talked and talked about the day the boys would turn their life over to God. I really do not believe that people that are in heaven see our daily happenings. I just think it would be too hard on them to watch the suffering of others, and God promises heaven is a place of no tears.

I do, however, believe that when a child of God makes the decision to be baptized that the heavens know and rejoice because it speaks of it in the Bible. That made the day of Kaden's baptism so incredibly joyous. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that mom was present and watching and rejoicing with us last week.

Since that day though, my heart has been heavy with sorrow that I have not felt in a long time. It is just an ache that the soul feels and the body does not know how to respond to. Grief is a real event. It is not a choice or a reaction, but rather God's way of helping our bodies deal with the overwhelming emotion of our soul.

I have learned to embrace it rather than push it aside or pretend it isn't happening. I have learned that crying or yelling or smiling or laughing are all positive actions to dealing with this immeasurable loss. It is denying, ignoring, busying and pretending that all is well that cause me the greatest pain.

Understand that I am not dwelling...on the contrary, I am living and enjoying. I am working, moving forward, and loving. Yet, when that horrible tsunami of grief ignore it is danger. To prepare, embrace and repair is to live. Today I am hunkered. Today I am missing. Today I am crying and laughing and watching and remembering, so that in a few hours I can work, and live and laugh and play.

I love you mom. I love the grit you passed to me. I love the hope I have to see you again. I love the character you taught me, and more than anything I love the zeal for life that your short-lived life taught me to embrace all the more.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

He's Beautiful

Those were mom's words. She just kept saying, "Oh Rachelle, he's beautiful."

Today is Kaden's 10th birthday. Oh how I miss mom today. Dad is driving up, we are heading to Wisconsin Dells tomorrow, and I can't seem to find a way to make myself get through the day. I just keep thinking of mom.

Her biggest delight in this world was loving, spoiling and seeing the boys. I took Kaden to breakfast this morning, and he said, "I bet Gaga is happy I'm 10!" I managed to smile eat, and hold back the breakdown.

Again, I wouldn't trade the time I had with her for the world. I don't let the grief stop me from embracing the joy and living each day, but this wave of TREMENDOUS longing will surely need to pass soon.

I will "suck it up" as mom would say because if she found out that I was crying on this beautiful boy's big day, she would hit me with some kind of force from above for sure.

Oh mom, another birthday party without you. I just really can't stand it.