Sunday, March 28, 2010

Time Away

So, I just got back from a beautiful resort in Boca Raton, Florida. It is owned by the Waldorf Astoria but it is known as the Boca Raton Resort. Wow! I love my company. I really am learning to love every part of my life.

It was a hard trip. Last year, everything was wonderful. I was at this same conference for my work, mom and dad were watching the boys, and life was blissful. Funny, though, is that I didn't recognize how blissful it was. Last year I was winning awards with my company, laughing with my mom by text and phone, and everyone was healthy, yet I was feeling like I should do, be and accomplish more. I wasn't content or even satisfied with who I was or what I was doing.

This year, I'm went on this same trip. Throughout this year of turmoil, my life has changed drastically. Friends, trust, character and significance all becomes more evident in the face of adversity. This past week, I didn't win any awards, I didn't get to hear my mom's laugh, my husband wasn't able to be with me, and I spent my week in such a different way, and yet I am more content and definitely more satisfied with who I am and where I am going than I have been in years.

I thank mom for that. I thank her for giving me a life worth striving for and admiring. I love what I do, I love my family and I realize that God is my ultimate provider.

I noticed more the look of happiness (or lack thereof) in people rather than what they said or did. I talked deeply with others and truly listened to their stories from home and there hopes and dreams. This has been a trying year to say the very least, but I hope that I can honestly say that I am a better person this April 1 than I was a year ago.

As the day approaches when mom left this earth I am left with anxiousness. I do not know what I will feel or what I will do, but I know that I am more aware of those who love me, I am sure of my blessings that surround me, and I know that my mom continues to teach me strength and kindness even in her death.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

When Your Soul Cries

There is something so unique about sharing so much in common with another human being. I think couples that are married for decades become friends on a soulful level, the best of friends that weather life's storms can share that, and sometimes, when you're lucky, family members that share that same type of intimacy seem to connect on that soulful plane.

People speak of this connection in different ways. It is easily recognized. It shows unconditional love, this type of connection does not know boundaries that typical relationships know. For instance, there is no level of hurt that this connection cannot overcome, there is no distance that separates it, there is no joy that will ever be more blissful.

It is not a blood connection. It is TRULY a soulful connection. I believe finding that AWESOME connection with your mother is a remarkable rarity. I commend her for being able to do that. On her part it took control and selflessness and bravery to let me lead my life, make mistakes, take risks and become a woman of my own. Being her only child after losing her second child and having a hysterectomy at age 23, she could have been protective, mothering, and selfish. SHE REFUSED to be any of those. She fought it everyday, and told me of her battles years after I would make a mistake, suffer a terrible hurt or celebrate a HUGE accomplishment. She would tell me what she wanted to say or wanted to do, how she wanted to caution me or protect me. A funny side note is that in High School when a boy hurt my feelings and made me cry she told me years later that she wanted to run him down and leave tread marks on his face. Funny as that sounds, she was a woman of great temper, so it was remarkable that she kept her calm.

It was in those recapped moments. The confessions of her desires and wishes and sweet conversations that she taught me what selfess love was all about. It is never about being right, getting what is owed you or proving your point. Love is about making others look good, enjoying someone else's smile and working tirelessly while others relax.

Through those life lessons we grew to be friends. We shared and laughed like girls, and cried and shared as wives, and prayed and protected as mothers.

One of the things I have yet been able to write about was some of our last conversation. Daddy had gone somewhere and Vicki was not there yet, and obviously she had not been put on the ventilator yet, but it was to happen very soon. I had her Bible in my hands. I had been reading, she motioned me to stop and come close to her face. She was holding my hand and caressing my face, and I said, "My Spirit is at rest mom." She looked at me with a little despair and said, "Oh honey I can't seem to hear or feel my Spirit." I looked at her and tears began to stream and knew what she was saying..... she knew. Her soul knew.

My soul began to cry that day and it has yet to stop. That is not to say I do not feel joy or laugh out loud or celebrate an NCAA upset, but when your soul cries for one that it loved I believe it is only healed and whole when it is reunited with the one you lost. Your soul can cry while you smile. Your soul can cry while you work. Those that know you sometimes don't even detect your soul crying. BUT, those with whom you have a soulful connection sometimes know before you do.

I know as people read this they must think, "For crying out loud, Rachelle, it's your mother. Everyone loses their parents sometime." I agree. I so agree, but I also believe a soulful connection with someone is a rarity.

As a friend recently pointed out to me, the depth of my grief and the importance of her presence is something to be proud of. It is something to embrace with a smile. So few people are blessed with that type of connection with anyone in life, and I was able to share it with my mother. She was my best friend, she was my mentor, and she was my biggest cheerleader. So, when my soul cries, I've learned to smile because the memory and the relationship is definitely worth the pain.

I wish for everyone reading this that you have several relationships in your life that are soulful.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010


I feel all out of words.

My grief, heartache and overall desperation feel the same. As we approach the year anniversary, it seems that it is harder rather than easier. It seems I am on a hamster wheel of emotions.

I miss MY mom. I miss MY best friend. Everyone else's world just keeps going, but she's gone. Never to return.

I'm just all out of words. As my cousin used to say, "I've lost my talking."

Friday, March 5, 2010


I don't know why it is, but everytime I go shopping I think of mom the entire time. I can hear her and remember her so much then. I think it is because that is often when we were completely alone, and it is also when we were friends and not necessarily mom/daughter.

We laughed all of the time. When I think of my mom, I think most of her smile. I think of her saying funny things to get a rise out of me. Today I was looking for a dress for an event I have for Melaleuca. I saw one with Polka Dots. I could just hear her say, "Oh Rachelle, you would look so cute in that."

I hate polka dots. She LOVED them. Funny, I'll probably start liking and wearing them.

It's almost been a year. I keep thinking, "Last year this time everything was normal." I wish I could go back in time so bad. I wish I could have one more long talk, one more belly laugh, one more hug. One more shopping trip.

Oh to have her pick out an incredibly geeky outfit just one more time. Love you mom.