Saturday, August 22, 2009

Enjoying the Moments

Sometimes in life it is hard to say, "I had a great day."

So, I am learning rather to look for moments. I had a LOT of great moments today. My grandma is in the hospital, and I am worried about her. But one really great thing happened while I was visiting today. I told her that she needed to eat, and I told her I was going to check up on her, and she said, "I'm not scared of you."

I laughed. I laughed really hard. That was a great comment. Of course, she isn't scared of me. I would hope not. She changed my diapers, took me to Disney World, taught me to use the right fork, and shared many treasured stories of my mom's upbringing with me.

Another great moment came when Popsie and I went to lunch. We shared stories, shared a great meal and glass of wine together. We also walked out to the garden and learned that we neither one know what a "good thump" on a watermelon means. For real, what does it mean when people say, "you know it's ripe by how it sounds when you thump it?" Well, Popsie and I figured it out when we cut it open and it was red inside. We both laughed.

I had a lot of great moments today. I learned of new life living inside of some people I love. I shared laughter and anticipation with them.

Each day brings trouble, stress and worry. However, I am learning that it is enjoying the moments that begins to bring relief from the grief and joy and love back to life. I miss mom. I miss the moments, but I am learning to live and love the way that she did.

Off to enjoy more moments.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Making The Best Of a Really Bad Situation!

Last year, my company announced the annual meeting would be held in Orlando! FANTASTIC! Mom and Dad have a timeshare there. Mom and Dad were so excited to be in charge of the boys while I attended meetings and Nate lounged by the pools and played a little golf.

April 2009, mom passes away, and we really consider canceling the family trip. However, we decide it will be great for all of us to get away.
June of 2009, Kaden falls through the ceiling and ends up with casts on his left-hand side of his body. We decide he will be much better by then and still keep the trip on the books.
August of 2009, we learn that Kaden still cannot put ANY pressure on his leg, so we will be wheelchair bound in Disney.

THE TRIP! While there were many obstacles to overcome it was a delightful trip for all. Kaden was such a trooper. Nate was a SUPERHERO dad, and Carder couldn't have been more understanding and polite. Dad was glad to be with his boys and continued to spoil them as only GaGa knew how.

Sometimes life throws curveballs and other times it seems that you are continually being hit by the pitch, yet there is always the choice for peace and enjoyment. I'm not saying this wasn't one of the hardest weeks of my life in many ways. It totally was. However, I know that I am blessed to be surrounded by people that choose to see the silver lining in every storm cloud. Praise God for my amazing family. We learned a lot from mom in that way and I hope we can continue to live the way that she taught us to live.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Peeking Through The Gray

During the past few days I feel like I am peeking through the gray of grief. Grief to me feels like a GIANT cloud. I know there is land, I know there is sunshine, I know there is beauty, but I just see gray.

After some much needed time alone with God, I think I feel myself peeking through the gray every once in awhile. I still feel myself being overwhelmed by little things that didn't use to cause me a second moment's thought. Yet, I have days that are productive and even purposeful.

The title of this blog keeps me honest. It really is a choice to have a great life. I am choosing to live my days on purpose and with great character. Part of great character I believe is to know and admit your weaknesses and be honest with yourself and those around you.

For any of my family, you already know this, but my greatest weakness is communication. I am so day-to-day focused, task-oriented that relationships and communication are a weakness. It's not a lack of love or interest, it is just a weakness. I am going to work on being better with this. I think I'm going to have to make lists...LOL.

Anyway, today mom has been on my mind a lot. I got my hair done, and she would just love it. I can just hear her say, "Well I'm sure its pretty but not as pretty as me." Oh how I miss her. We got some GREAT news in our family today. She would be thrilled. I'm sure she new before we did, but nevertheless it would have been great to talk to her about it.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Missing Her In The Good Times

Today has been a wonderful day. I felt like myself today. I was able to multi-task. I enjoyed a GREAT day at church. I worked on things from my computer while the kids practiced guitar and played the wii. I organized a sleepover and had a training call while feeding crazed neighbor kids pizza. I like to multi-task. I like to feel like my day has been productive.

Then as I settle down to get ready to jump in my bath tub, I think "I'd love to tell mom today was a good day." The boys are so happy, smiling and loving God. Carder called Papaw today and his first question was, "So, how was your church today?"

I am so proud of them. I just want to share the goodness with her too. There are not many people besides your mom that you can brag about your children to. So while I felt great today, as I am typing tears are just rolling down my cheeks.

Will the ache ever lessen? Funny, in a weird sort of way I hope that it doesn't. Yet in another way, I really need to have more days that I can function in a normal way. How does life ever even out? Or does it?

Living in such a way that there are no regrets means living it to the fullest. Now, my fullest means tears are normal...I guess that is the new normal everyone keeps talking about.