Tuesday, December 29, 2009

3 Days Left

I smile as I write that. Mom would be saying and thinking the same thing....WHEW! This year is almost over! HALLELUJAH! I am sitting down to my computer without a list of to-do's a mile long for the first time in months.

I simply cannot wait for a New Year! I am fully aware that each day brings its own troubles, but there is something so peace-giving to think of starting fresh.

The boys are healthy, dad is safe and healthy and Nate and I are looking forward to a year of intentional time spent together, with our kids, our family and on living out each day in the way that God would have us use our talents. A high order? Absolutely. One worth striving for though.

May God bless us with a fabulous new 2010.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

All Snug In Their Beds

It is Christmas Eve. I can hear my dads voice as he tells the boy's bedtime stories to go to sleep. I can see by the light of the Christmas tree, I can smell the cookies that are sitting on the plate for Santa. I can feel the cold from the front door where the carrots are placed for the reindeer. I can picture the wonder on Carder's face, but...

I miss the long talks with mom, the fright in her eyes as we make too much noise filling the stockings, the sheer delight in the last minute trip for the toy just announced as most important, the roll of the eyes as I say the boys have too much. I miss EVERY part of her tonight.

Her spirit truly is here. We went to lunch with Grandma and Popsie today, and on the way out the boys asked for a gumball, with a HUGE smile we dug for quarters, and Kaden said, "In honor of Gaga."

Christmas will never be the same. Yet, it is our job to make the new memories ones that she would be proud of. Dad and I tear up, exchange glances and know what the other one is feeling, but it is a choice to have a good Christmas, and WE ARE. Off to be Santa!

Monday, December 14, 2009

Lots of Icing

Wow, I miss mom.

I have been preparing myself for the holidays, preparing for the pain of change, yet yesterday in the middle of the mall, I thought I was going to stop breathing. I'm going along having a normal day, actually smiling and enjoying the bustle of everyone in the Christmas mood, and then I got hungry. That is not unusual, and so I headed to the cookie shop.

It was there. As I looked at the cookies, that I could so easily picture mom, and hear her saying, "Oh, look at the one with all of the icing Rachelle. Don't pick that one, I want it." I thought I was going to have a mental breakdown at the Mrs. Fields right in the middle of Louis Joliet Mall. I bravely walked up to the girl at the counter with tears streaming down my face so hard that it was slippery where I was standing, and I said, "I'll have the one with all of that extra icing." She looked at me as if the guys in the white jackets might be right behind me. I just smiled.

Tears still coming, I found a bench took my diet coke and cookie and ate every bite thinking about all of the wonderful times mom and I spent in malls shopping laughing and people watching.

It's the little moments like that. The times that no one else would even think twice. The things that when you love someone so deeply it is more about the time shared than the events or words spoken. This first Christmas is going to be harder than any of us could have imagined, but she would kick my butt from here to heaven if I let it be anything besides wonderful for my boys.

So with her grit and spirit, I am off to deck the halls and make it a great day.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Wonderful Dad

So, most of the time when I am posting, I am talking about something that mom taught me. Or my grief, struggle and search for joy. Well the same is trud today as well....Mom always taught me that I was so lucky to have the Dad I have!

Nate and I just returned from Maui after 7 days. Dad had taken the boys on Thanksgiving down to his parents. The boys shot guns with their cousins, played tackle football, rode on 4-wheelers and had a good 'ole Carder good time.

He then brought them back home to Channahon (4 hour trip), showered them, tucked them in and took them to our church on Sunday. He proceeded to wash their muddy clothes, lay out their school clothes and prepare them for a great week.

During the week my dad cleaned out our garage, cleaned out my refrigerator, cleaned my house so deeply that it probably feels naked, baked warm cookies for the boys each day, fixed meals each night, sewed Carder's blanket and did a WONDERFUL job spoiling the boys.

I cannot imagine any other man, grandfather or dad that is so able to be hunter, fisherman, handyman, seamstress, cook and baker. As lucky as my dad was to have my mom, I think mom was even luckier.

I came back a refreshed me. Dad knew that his babygirl needed a break. Only a parent can have a love that deep. So deep that when he is hurting the worst, he still serves and helps his daughter to help her heart heal.

God's love is like that. I AM SO FORTUNATE for the parents that I have. Often times, people feel bad for me in the absence of siblings. God more than made up for whatever I may have missed by granting me two of the best parents any gal could ask for.

He is now making the 4 hour trek back to Southern Illinois, before he starts out for the 13 hour drive to South Carolina tomorrow. I love you Daddy!