Friday, June 19, 2009

Sometimes It Just Gets Harder

Trying to run a business, raise happy healthy kids, be a supportive wife, minister to those in need, offer a hand of friendship, be a supportive wife, grieve and share with dad, and grieve myself seemed like more than I could handle. Well, they always say don't be too proud to ask for help. So that is what I did. I went to see a grief counselor a few weeks ago. It really helped.

Then, last night, it just got harder. Kaden and Carder were playing in the storage area of the new church office when they kicked their ball into the loft area. Kaden went in search of the ball, and noticed it actually landed on the opposite side where there were just little white tiles. He took a couple of steps towards the ball and fell 10 feet through the false ceiling.

At that point, I received a phone call during my business presentation. I could hear my son screaming in the background, hear Nate's calm yet very scared voice, and off I went to the ER driving 90 miles an hour. The whole way there I just wanted to talk to mom.

An hour later we looked at Xrays showing us a broken wrist and broken tibia bone. Kaden was in extreme pain even with vicadin and ibuprofen. I laid beside him as he cried, and thought, " All I want to do is call mom."

Today, we were able to get the casts and we got the prognosis that it will 4-5 weeks for the wrist and 8-10 weeks for the leg. Kaden was SUPER brave, and we are glad the pain has subsided for the most part.
Sometimes it seems, life just gets harder. It also all seems so fragile. Tonight I'm just full of fear, hurt and incredible pain all over again. I miss mom so much. Dad is on his way tomorrow. I know it is time to "get tough" but all I want to do is hide in my house and pretend I'm in a bubble.
Yet, for mom.....I WILL NOT! I will laugh, enjoy and live, and someday it won't be an incredibly difficult choice to just get dressed. And still in all of this, I praise God. He is not measured in my heart by the conditions of this world, rather I know his sacrifice gives me hope of a place and a life much better than this.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Remembering and Creating At The Same Time

I don't think this picture does it justice. What the Carder family commonly refers to as "Sugar Cookies" is not what the average american expects. These German shortbread cookies take buttermilk, shortening, butter, 4 c of flour and lots of love.
Dad spent time with Grandma Carder last week learning the special tricks that mom had spent a day learning as well. Today, Dad and I felt like we accomplished the world's greatest feat when Carder took a bite of our sugar cookies and said, "Just like Gaga's!"
Dad leaves for South Carolina tomorrow. I know this is part of the process, but I just wish he was already living back in Illinois. He wants to be here as bad as we wish he was. There is healing going on, and I see that there is so much to enjoy in life. He is making progress on finding the perfect residence, and we are making plans for weeks to come. However, the distance seems to make the grieving worse at this point. I'm sure it is just in our minds, but I'm sure gonna miss him.
Regardless, sometimes the overwhelming sadness hits when you least expect it. Mom filled so many roles in my life that I just still can't believe that she is gone. I received an award for business this month and the first thing I wanted to do was call her. I think of the accomplishments that I have in life, and they just aren't the same without her smile and praise. It's funny. I didn't realize until she was gone just how much I did in efforts to please her and share with her.
Nevertheless, God is good, and hope is knowing through Christ our time apart is so, so short.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

God Loves Me and Likes Me!

If you have loved someone, truly loved them, then you understand that statement. There are times that I love people but I sure don't like them at the moment. People that we love can sure disappoint us. They can make us so angry we want to scream, cry, spit or swear.

Mom would always say it isn't important if everyone likes you. It is important that the Father likes you.

What she meant is that God ALWAYS loves us. His grace is ALWAYS sufficient and that is not based on my actions, but there are times that we disappoint God, when he would "not like us " even though he loved us for the moment.

So when I look at whether people like me or not, I have to be honest and say, it always bothers me when they don't. However, it bothers me more if God would be disappointed in me if I changed my action.

For instance, sometimes doing the right thing for a friend may upset the friend. It may make them dislike me in the moment, or even for a long time. However, if I feel my action glorifies God and may bring others closer to Him, then my action must always be for his affection not that of my peers.

This is especially hard in business. Sometimes making the moral decision means losing money. It may mean putting off a promotion or actions may even be considered "mean" when dealing with moral vs. money decisions.

Mom was so wise. She would always tell me. There is absolutely NO WAY to make everyone like you. The important thing is that God likes you.

So I am encouraged that today I may not have made money. I may not have made new friends, but I know God liked me today, and that makes today a better day.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Everything I Do!

In everything I do, I am reminded of mom. That is so good and so bad at the same time.

Because the church office has now moved to an off-our-home-site location, we have some new found room in our basement. In hopes to busy myself with a project, I have focused on turning the larger room into a game room for the boys. As we were putting DVD's away tonight, I realized almost every movie was a gift for the boys from mom. I realized there would be no more. It's as if Kaden realized it at the same moment. He said, "I miss Gaga." That cut my heart in a way I just can't express.

Carder came to cuddle me as I cried early this afternoon and his blanket has rips and holes that mom would always fix with him when she came. It is just such a realization every minute of everyday that she was a HUGE part of who I am, and now I am left with a hole I just don't know how to repair.

I just miss mom. I am so glad she was a part of every part, but now I just don't know how to put the pieces back together. I guess this is what you call a bad day. Some are better, some are harder, some are just bad. Tomorrow is a hope of better.