Sunday, September 20, 2009


My youngest son Carder is so much like mom. Nate claims he is a mini-me, but in truth he is a mini-mom. They have the same hilarious way about them. They share the same temper, but they also share a fierce loyalty and sweetness with those they are close to.

On Saturday night, Kaden went to a sleepover with a friend and Carder and I went on a date since his dad was down with the flu. As we were eating, Carder said to me: (paraphrase)

When I grow up I don't want to be a superhero. Superheros have to wear funny costumes and work a lot. They have to save people and go in burning buildings. No, when I grow up I want to be a wizard. They can cast spells and get whatever they want. Mom, you know what my first spell is going to be?

"No, Carder, what is your first spell going to be (thinking invisible or candy machine)"

I'm going to make a tube from Heaven to here so Gaga can come and visit us. Because I know you say she is happy but I think she would be happier if she could talk to me and I could tell her my jokes.

"I can't wait for you to become a wizard, Carder." To that he smiled and said,

Oh mom, you know there is no such thing as wizards. We just really miss Gaga don't we?

Out of the mouths of babes. Sometimes it is easier to plan and believe in fantasy than to deal in reality. I saw pictures today on facebook of dear, dear family friends. Friends that mom and dad knew in high school. As I looked at the picture of their daughter's wedding, I could just hear what she would be saying.

People say that time heals. True. Time allows you to learn to cope, learn to find joy, learn to move forward. The word heal though seems to final like it is an end destination. I would say time removes the ugliness from the loss. Just like a cut or incision, your skin never truly heals, but because of God's incredible design through bleeding, forming a scab and new skin growing, the ugliness of that damage goes away.

My heart has been damaged, and I still cry what my friend calls, "the ugly cry" quite often. I can envision times to come that the ugliness will dissipate and be filled with a scar on my heart that I gladly share with a smile. In the meantime, thinking of mom and sharing her here brings me joy and relief.

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