Sunday, January 10, 2010

PERCEPTION

Perception is an interesting concept. Someone's perception is their reality. Right, Wrong, Indifferent it is theirs.

As 2010 approached, I looked at it as a fresh start, a new beginning, a way to release myself from all the hurt and disappointment of 2009. I still look at it this way. The sting of missing mom still takes my breath away. The shock of picking up the phone to realize, no I really can't call her still catches me off guard, but the hope of life with joy is in my future.

Funny though, my boys perceived 2010 completely different. They both took mom's death hard, but as all children, they bounced back quick and only occasionally showed grief-filled emotion. I assumed that was just the way it was for children.

A couple of nights into our new year, our boys came downstairs after bedtime. It was an unusual event in our house, and I was the disciplinarian. Scolding Carder and telling him to return to bed before I saw the tears. He simply looked at me and said, "I...I...I...just miss GaGa." He hasn't stuttered in a long time. I realized the depth of his hurt, and scooped him into my lap.

We sat for about 2-3 minutes talking about what we missed, when Nate heard something. He walked to our stairway to find sweet, 9-yr old Kaden sobbing silently on the steps. Kaden explained to us, that we were starting our first year without Gaga. We huddled as a family and wept. Laughing, crying and sharing our favorite mom moments.

In my limited perspective, I had just looked to begin this year with the hope of 2009 being past, in their perspective we were just beginning the grief. I think both perspectives are absolute TRUTH. That is what is so interesting about perspective, it can only change when you do.

I miss mom today as much as I did on April 2nd --actually probably more. I was still the same person then, and there wasn't that much to discuss. Now, nine months later, I have experienced so many joys, so many hurts, so much growth that I'd just like to share it all with her. However, I know that she still teaches me the right direction and choices and whispers she is proud of me when I need it most.

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