Thursday, July 9, 2009

Crazy Driven OR Driven Crazy

Of all places I heard this statement on a commercial on the Disney Channel today.

I am crazy driven about my business. I love my business. I love what I do. I love feeling the emotions of accomplishment. I love having something that says "Rachelle" instead of "mom" "wife" or worse yet "pastor's wife."

I am crazy driven about being a mom. I love hearing my boys say, "You are the best mom in the whole world," or the unprovoked, "I love you, mom." My boys are my world, and I cannot imagine a day not filled with their sweetness.

I am crazy driven about being a good wife. I love Nate. I love working hard at helping him accomplish his dreams, and I love knowing I am being the helpmate God designed.

I am crazy driven about being a good daughter. I love pleasing my parents. I always have. There is nothing more precious in the world than to see them smile in true admiration of respecting something I have done.

I am driven crazy by trying to juggle grief, caring for my child and the expectations I put on myself as I try to wear the hats of friend, biz owner, mom, wife and daughter.

A lot of people think I need to slow down in my business. However, the funny thing is that is where I feel the best. I know mom always felt that way too. I recently had some things happen in my business that made me feel like a failure, and I know mom would have had the right words. In fact, I just pulled out an email from mom today. In it she said,

"I'm struggling here. These past few weeks have been an onslaught of workload, change and responsibility. I have a new boss, new plant manager and utter chaos surrounding me. Just this past Sunday, the sermon really spoke to me and I realized the root cause of the problem is my lack of faith. This week has been better. I ask the Father each morning to help me turn to Him for EVERY issue - big or small. And, I ask Him to let me see Him and I do (when I look)."

I miss mom. I really miss her. She loved to work. She loved her family. She loved her friends and she really loved God and trusted him. She never judged me for loving to work, because she realized religion, rules and stereotypes don't have any place in our lives, only faith. When I had a bad day I could call her, and she really, really understood. I feel like my life source is gone, and I don't know how to pull myself through the crazy days anymore.

It used to be that when I had been driven crazy, I'd call mom. Now, it seems I just go crazy. Uggghhh...

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