Dad and I just got back from the flea market. On the way home, a man called, "Yak-Yak" telephoned Dad. He needed his weed-eater fixed. We stopped by and after just a few minutes we were back on our way. Dad and I discussed this wonderful little old man. He comes into the coffee shop on a rare occasion only when someone can come and take care of his wife. His wife has alzeheimer's.

Today we are reminded that the way that mom left the earth is a blessing. It is a blessing to her. Not our blessing, but her blessing indeed. Yes, we miss her. Yes, we cry, we ache, we hurt like we have never hurt before, but in reality her blessing came by not having time to worry for us at her loss.

If you knew mom, you knew that her heart was always about those she loved. She worried about how her life affected others more than how her life affected her.

Today, after the visit to "Yak-Yak," we talked about that we would never have wanted her to suffer an illness where she thought someone would have to take care of her. That would have crushed her spirit. Praise be to God, Our Father, for knowing her well, loving her intensely and blessing her completely.

Dad and I will somehow pull it together, and live a life of greatness that will cause God to smile (and of course, mom too)!

At Peace With Dad

Well, I'm sitting here in South Carolina in a sweatshirt. Evidently I brought the cold weather with me. Dad and I are so sad. Yet, together, we just feel better. It seems that when I am with someone that really knew mom, it feels better.

This morning I went to the coffee shop with Dad. We had a hoot of a time. Those old men are just hilarious, and kind. They think I look like I'm 27, so I might have to visit the coffee shop a lot more often. Hee Hee.

Dad and I are talking about the future, talking about the past, and just enjoying the present together. I am so fortunate to have the Dad I have. We are hoping to mark some of our things off of our to-do list today. We have dinner with Barbara and Steve tonight. Barbara was mom's boss and great friend at Cummins. I am looking forward to the stories they share tonight.

May God continue to bless our healing hearts with thoughts and memories of one of the greatest women to walk the earth.

Survival

Survival is the theme of the day. I survived an hour long bus trip with really loud third graders. I survived a day of the Field Museum, and NO TEARS! YAY MOM! Kaden is such a wonderful son, and I offered prayers of praise all day as I watched him in wonder. I have so much to be thankful for.

Nate needs your prayers too. He is such a wonderful husband and father, and he is a wonderful pastor too. He is taking me to the airport tomorrow and will be "single" dad yet again for an undetermined amount of days. He has never complained. In fact, he just says, go be with your dad...stay as long as you need. While I know he means it, I also recognize single parenting isn't the easiest. So please offer some special prayers up for his survival over the next few days.

Everyone grieves differently. Survival is a good goal to aim for when you are in the depths of deep grieving. I recognize that there is more to living than surviving, but sometimes there is a great sense of accomplishment in the mere survival of another day.

Surving grief would be easier with a Grieving Button. I just wish I had a 30 second button for yucky life stuff like we do on our new remote. You hit it and it fast forwards through a whole commercial with just one push of a button. Commercials are the necessary evils of GREAT TV. I think the grieving process is a necessary evil of a GREAT LIFE. When someone has lived a GREAT LIFE, you have to honor it with grieving. When you desire to live a GREAT LIFE after someone you love has gone to heaven you have to get through the grieving stage. God is so good, I just wish he could give us a Grieving Button. Push it, your done. You remember your loved one with smiles, laughter and deep love, but you are able to LIVE really LIVE as an honor to who they were to you.

Well, since we didn't get the button, Dad and I are going to do this together the long, hard way. Anyway, I'm off to SC tomorrow and I'm looking forward to it. Please pray for safe travel, and for healthy, happy boys in Illinois!

A Big Day Out

Funny how life changes. My big day out today consists of going on Kaden's field trip to the Field Museum. When I planned to be the chaperone, I thought it would be a welcomed day off from my regular routine of business. However, now it feels like the biggest challenge of the year. I cannot wait to be with him all day. I look forward to watching him interact with his buddies, but I just pray and hope that I will not breakdown. That is not what he needs today.

Just in case, the tissue is packed along with the camera, lunches and Easter candy for emergencies.

Choosing to live is a hard choice. To exist, to breathe, to cope those are chosen for us. Choosing to live is a daily, hourly, minute-by-minute choice that is proving to be my life's biggest challenge lately. I feel like I'm working all day to take a step while it seems everyone else is on one of those moving walkways you see in the airport.

I've been on the other side of this so many times. I've watched people I love struggle with grief, and feel the pain. I've even felt guilt for living my life to the fullest while others were frozen. This post is for all of you. DO NOT feel guilt for living, for laughing, for enjoying. PLEASE enjoy your loved ones to the fullest.

I will get to the place I can walk at a regular pace in life again. I know I will. I will run and laugh and enjoy because my mom raised a fighter not a whiner.

On Wednesday, I am looking forward to being with dad. I'm headed to South Carolina and we are going to be us. I am so fortunate to have the relationship with him that I have. We can be totally honest. We can cry, laugh and be quiet. It is a rarity for a family to be as close as we are. I am grateful.

I am going to choose to live today. And that choice starts with laundry. May sound funny but that is a big accomplishment for me today.

Cadbury Egg

Funny story about mom. When I was little, I had my same taste for chocolate and sweets as I do now. My mom always did as well. However, I detested eggs of any kind. So, as Easter was approaching, someone gave us Cadbury eggs. My mom told me I would not like them because they were "egg" in the middle. I believed her and wouldn't think of touching them. Then, as Easter dawned and we went to grandma's house, Granny Putt gave me a Cadbury egg. I scrunched my nose up and told her, "Grandma, I don't like eggs." Mom turned all red and admitted to me that it was candy. Grandma was super mad, and mom just giggled that funny giggle and shrugged her shoulders in her usual ornery way. To this day, I don't like Cadbury Eggs. It is a mental thing. Funny part is that I love real eggs now, almost every kind.

Today was a really hard day. I headed back to church for the first time. I did really well until communion time. It was as if it took on new meaning. We commune with God until the day we are reunited with Him, and I realize I won't ever share some of those most intimate spiritual talks with my mom until we are reunited again in heaven.

I am so thankful for incredible friends. What would I do without the love of those around me. Happy Easter everyone. Enjoy your life, and make it a GREAT day!

GaGa's Gift

Today has been a day of mixed emotion. I had a wonderful friend visit me last night. We laughed, she brought me dessert, and I ate and ate and ate late last night and early this morning to the point that I felt sick. I shared with her how this grief makes me feel like I am wearing a 600 lb suit of armor and even simple tasks like unloading the dishwasher are unbelievably hard. She understood. She has felt this type of grief and much worse. So there is hope in her life of coping. There is hope in her words of encouragement. There is strength provided to feel the hurt, embrace the loss of mom and put one foot in front of the other towards a day when the suit of armor feels like a badge of honor because I was blessed to have my mom as my mother.

Hearing that, knowing that, resolving to love, grieving to live....Today has still been one of the hardest. Kaden's Nintendo DS has been broken for a few weeks. Yesterday, as he was watching Carder play his and NOT whining, I realized that was what mom bought him for Christmas. I just couldn't stand it. So we went today and got a new one. I recognize it probably wasn't the brightest move in parenting, but it felt so good to watch his little smile. I could just hear mom say, "It doesn't matter how it broke, I'm GaGa and its my present." Of course, then I got Carder a game because she never bought for one and not the other. This made me feel great and sad all at the same time.

I'm taking a friend to the airport today, and then I think we are going to sit by the fire tonight with the boys. Dad went fishing today and I'm waiting to hear from him as to how it went. I'm hoping he'll have some stories to tell the boys.

Fighting, Not Whining

Well, today has been better. I decided yesterday to have a better day, and so far it has been. I joined a gym today. Exercise is supposed to help with grief and depression....we shall see!

Kaden has his first soccer practice of the season last night, and Carder has his tonight. The good news = their schedules do not conflict; the bad news=we have soccer practice M-F from 5-5:45 and Saturday Games until JUNE. The boys also received their report cards yesterday, and once again they were perfect. I am so proud of them.

Tomorrow I think we will go shopping for new soccer gear, spring clothes and a new attitude for me. Dad and I have been talking on the phone when he hears it ring (LOL) and laughing and coping day to day the best we can.

So today was a day of mentally fighting for good thoughts and productivity. Fighting, not whining, mom would be proud of this day.

Life's Not Fair, but God is Good

Mom used to say that to me all of the time. I can remember even in High School when my feelings would be hurt, and mom would say, "Rachelle, life's not fair." I would always sigh and tell her I hated it when she said that, and the she would say, "But, God is good."

Today has been a hard day. Daddy is in South Carolina having a hard day. I'm here having a hard day. Aunt Vicki is in California having a hard day. Grandma and Popsie are in Charleston having a hard day. Life sure doesn't seem fair today. Yet, as I look at my boys, as I read the Scipture I know God is good.

I have received countless cards, flowers, gifts, texts, emails from so many, and it helps so much. I see the good through the love of those around me. It reminds me that this life is meant to build our character, it is meant to draw us the One that can sustain us. I promised mom that I would be alright. I promised her that I would be happy. Today, I have failed in that promise, but tomorrow is a new day.

I am choosing to have a good day tomorrow, because a great life is always a choice.

Life Goes On...

http://videos.expressionstributes.com/index.php?id=728 Click here to see Mom's slideshow.

Well, the boys headed back to school today, and I'm sitting here looking at a pile of pictures, thank you cards and a messy house. I can't seem to get anything done. I just go from one pile to another, and I'm drawn back to this BLOG. I keep thinking to myself, mom would not sit here in her pajamas, she would be like the tasmanian devil in a whirlwind putting things in order. I'm going to go get pictures printed this afternoon, and hopefully that activity will cause me to snap out of this lethargic attitude. Carder's Birthday is at the end of the month, so I'm going to focus on a GREAT Birthday party. Speaking of Carder, he lost a tooth yesterday. The tooth fairy brought $2 and he is on cloud nine. It is a beautiful day, maybe we can master the bike without training wheels today. He is going to be 7, but in his words, "Riding a scooter is just fine!" What a kid!

After reading our devotion last night, Kaden said, "It's too bad we can't call Jesus on the phone, it would be nice if we could just call him ask him how GaGa is doing." What a sweetheart.

My Mom Was My BLOG

I have never needed a BLOG to keep everyone updated with our life. Until April 1, 2009 I had a BLOG and her name was mom. She kept everyone in the loop as to the kids, Nate, the church and my activities. I've decided to start this BLOG to keep up with those that we don't see often but love dearly. I'm sure I will get better at it as time goes by, and I hope that blogging will help me heal the terrible hole that is in my heart due to mom's absence in my life.