Wizards

My youngest son Carder is so much like mom. Nate claims he is a mini-me, but in truth he is a mini-mom. They have the same hilarious way about them. They share the same temper, but they also share a fierce loyalty and sweetness with those they are close to.

On Saturday night, Kaden went to a sleepover with a friend and Carder and I went on a date since his dad was down with the flu. As we were eating, Carder said to me: (paraphrase)

When I grow up I don't want to be a superhero. Superheros have to wear funny costumes and work a lot. They have to save people and go in burning buildings. No, when I grow up I want to be a wizard. They can cast spells and get whatever they want. Mom, you know what my first spell is going to be?

"No, Carder, what is your first spell going to be (thinking invisible or candy machine)"

I'm going to make a tube from Heaven to here so Gaga can come and visit us. Because I know you say she is happy but I think she would be happier if she could talk to me and I could tell her my jokes.

"I can't wait for you to become a wizard, Carder." To that he smiled and said,

Oh mom, you know there is no such thing as wizards. We just really miss Gaga don't we?

Out of the mouths of babes. Sometimes it is easier to plan and believe in fantasy than to deal in reality. I saw pictures today on facebook of dear, dear family friends. Friends that mom and dad knew in high school. As I looked at the picture of their daughter's wedding, I could just hear what she would be saying.

People say that time heals. True. Time allows you to learn to cope, learn to find joy, learn to move forward. The word heal though seems to final like it is an end destination. I would say time removes the ugliness from the loss. Just like a cut or incision, your skin never truly heals, but because of God's incredible design through bleeding, forming a scab and new skin growing, the ugliness of that damage goes away.

My heart has been damaged, and I still cry what my friend calls, "the ugly cry" quite often. I can envision times to come that the ugliness will dissipate and be filled with a scar on my heart that I gladly share with a smile. In the meantime, thinking of mom and sharing her here brings me joy and relief.

Shopping

Yesterday was just a beautiful day in Chicagoland area. My appointments for work cancelled and I decided that it was a perfect day to go shopping. I headed off for an outdoor shopping mall in Aurora.

As I walked around, everything reminded me of my mom. Some of our happiest memories came when we would spend the day laughing, eating and buying. Actually, we spent most of our time looking and agreeing that we didn't really need it.

When I first walked into the center, there was a big sign that announced "Talbots Coming Soon." I thought, "Oh I need to call mom." Funny, I don't think that thought process will ever end. Then later, as I was walking I saw a Chicos, and tears flooded my eyes. The last time I was in a Chicos mom and I were buying clothes for her trip to Europe.

I love that I have no regrets. I absolutely adored my relationship with my mom. I wouldn't have changed it. It fulfilled us both in very different ways. Rather than spending my time wondering why it had to be short or why life had to be unfair, I have found myself spending more time being so so thankful that Norma Carder was my mom.

So many people are not given the blessing of having a person like her anywhere or anytime in their life. I got to have her as my MOM! There is so much I daily do to better my life that came from what she taught me.

Today is another BEAUTIFUL day, and I intend to laugh and enjoy in honor of how great she was. I'm sure she's laughing and enjoying and brightening someone's day in heaven.

Grit Steeped in Feeling

Recently, someone coined this phrase about my mom.

"Grit steeped in feeling."

I have that type of resolve going on in me right now. I am excited to proclain that I am excited about something. I haven't felt that emotion in a very long time. I have pushed to find joy. I have perservered to find purpose. I have stretched to see logic in a crazy mixed up world, but never did I even dare think about feeling excited again.

When you are in the midst of dark grief its like all previous life was a fantasy. When you experience loss that strikes you to your core you start to look for a new life, a new way to live and think and love, because you know that the old life, old thinking and old relationships will never be the same.

That is all true. So, my excitement about a new adventure has surprised me and given me hope for enjoyment of this coming year.

Of course, following in mom's path this excitement is found in my business. With my new outlook on life, fortunately, I now don't come down on myself for this. I don't feel guilt or judgement. I just realize it is the way God wired me and the way mom raised me. I like it. No, actually, I love it.

I am dedicated to be one of the top 14 businesses in my company this next year. I found out today that it will be harder than I could ever imagine, yet I am capable. It will be a stretch. It will cause me to grow in many facets, and stating in writing that I WILL MAKE MY COMPANY'S PRESIDENT'S CLUB causes me to shutter and think, "But what if I fail?"

Well, if I fail, I will fail trying not hiding. If I fail, I will fail living not dying. If I fail, I will fail forward not backwards. If I fail I will fail with the help of those I love and not without it. If I fail, I will fail for short-term not long term.

But guess what..... I WILL NOT FAIL. I will be on President's Club. I will wear my mom's crazy Clark loafers that she wore to her first and only awards banquet for my company. I will wear them when I'm worried. I will wear them when I'm confident. I will wear them when I win.

I AM EXCITED!

Mom, The Business Woman

Today I read a wonderful tribute to my mom today. Her boss sent me an email containing his contribution to her journals. During my mom's celebration service we had journals all over the tables for people to write memories so that my boys could have great memories of my mom.

Greg gave me several pages of heart today. One of my favorite parts of my mother was her business sense. Her tenacity to work and achieve. I feel that on a daily, hourly, minute-by-minute basis. However, there are other parts of my life I feel too. Daughter, wife, granddaughter, mother, friend, woman. I know my mom felt all those roles. There is a smile that crosses my face though when I think of her work ethic, her joy in the struggle.

I have always loved my work. Whether is was Steak n' Shake, teaching, or running my business, I have always taken pride in doing a good job. I get this from my mom. While there may be times that I live out of balance, while there may be times that I work too hard, I feel good today knowing she would understand, agree and even smile at that part of me.

I love all that my mom created in me. My life is full because of her, not empty.

I will fulfill my promise to her....My life will be great and full and happy.

Enjoying the Moments

Sometimes in life it is hard to say, "I had a great day."

So, I am learning rather to look for moments. I had a LOT of great moments today. My grandma is in the hospital, and I am worried about her. But one really great thing happened while I was visiting today. I told her that she needed to eat, and I told her I was going to check up on her, and she said, "I'm not scared of you."

I laughed. I laughed really hard. That was a great comment. Of course, she isn't scared of me. I would hope not. She changed my diapers, took me to Disney World, taught me to use the right fork, and shared many treasured stories of my mom's upbringing with me.

Another great moment came when Popsie and I went to lunch. We shared stories, shared a great meal and glass of wine together. We also walked out to the garden and learned that we neither one know what a "good thump" on a watermelon means. For real, what does it mean when people say, "you know it's ripe by how it sounds when you thump it?" Well, Popsie and I figured it out when we cut it open and it was red inside. We both laughed.

I had a lot of great moments today. I learned of new life living inside of some people I love. I shared laughter and anticipation with them.

Each day brings trouble, stress and worry. However, I am learning that it is enjoying the moments that begins to bring relief from the grief and joy and love back to life. I miss mom. I miss the moments, but I am learning to live and love the way that she did.

Off to enjoy more moments.

Making The Best Of a Really Bad Situation!

Last year, my company announced the annual meeting would be held in Orlando! FANTASTIC! Mom and Dad have a timeshare there. Mom and Dad were so excited to be in charge of the boys while I attended meetings and Nate lounged by the pools and played a little golf.

April 2009, mom passes away, and we really consider canceling the family trip. However, we decide it will be great for all of us to get away.

June of 2009, Kaden falls through the ceiling and ends up with casts on his left-hand side of his body. We decide he will be much better by then and still keep the trip on the books.

August of 2009, we learn that Kaden still cannot put ANY pressure on his leg, so we will be wheelchair bound in Disney.

THE TRIP! While there were many obstacles to overcome it was a delightful trip for all. Kaden was such a trooper. Nate was a SUPERHERO dad, and Carder couldn't have been more understanding and polite. Dad was glad to be with his boys and continued to spoil them as only GaGa knew how.

Sometimes life throws curveballs and other times it seems that you are continually being hit by the pitch, yet there is always the choice for peace and enjoyment. I'm not saying this wasn't one of the hardest weeks of my life in many ways. It totally was. However, I know that I am blessed to be surrounded by people that choose to see the silver lining in every storm cloud. Praise God for my amazing family. We learned a lot from mom in that way and I hope we can continue to live the way that she taught us to live.

Peeking Through The Gray

During the past few days I feel like I am peeking through the gray of grief. Grief to me feels like a GIANT cloud. I know there is land, I know there is sunshine, I know there is beauty, but I just see gray.

After some much needed time alone with God, I think I feel myself peeking through the gray every once in awhile. I still feel myself being overwhelmed by little things that didn't use to cause me a second moment's thought. Yet, I have days that are productive and even purposeful.

The title of this blog keeps me honest. It really is a choice to have a great life. I am choosing to live my days on purpose and with great character. Part of great character I believe is to know and admit your weaknesses and be honest with yourself and those around you.

For any of my family, you already know this, but my greatest weakness is communication. I am so day-to-day focused, task-oriented that relationships and communication are a weakness. It's not a lack of love or interest, it is just a weakness. I am going to work on being better with this. I think I'm going to have to make lists...LOL.

Anyway, today mom has been on my mind a lot. I got my hair done, and she would just love it. I can just hear her say, "Well I'm sure its pretty but not as pretty as me." Oh how I miss her. We got some GREAT news in our family today. She would be thrilled. I'm sure she new before we did, but nevertheless it would have been great to talk to her about it.

Missing Her In The Good Times

Today has been a wonderful day. I felt like myself today. I was able to multi-task. I enjoyed a GREAT day at church. I worked on things from my computer while the kids practiced guitar and played the wii. I organized a sleepover and had a training call while feeding crazed neighbor kids pizza. I like to multi-task. I like to feel like my day has been productive.

Then as I settle down to get ready to jump in my bath tub, I think "I'd love to tell mom today was a good day." The boys are so happy, smiling and loving God. Carder called Papaw today and his first question was, "So, how was your church today?"

I am so proud of them. I just want to share the goodness with her too. There are not many people besides your mom that you can brag about your children to. So while I felt great today, as I am typing tears are just rolling down my cheeks.

Will the ache ever lessen? Funny, in a weird sort of way I hope that it doesn't. Yet in another way, I really need to have more days that I can function in a normal way. How does life ever even out? Or does it?

Living in such a way that there are no regrets means living it to the fullest. Now, my fullest means tears are normal...I guess that is the new normal everyone keeps talking about.

Happy Birthday Mom!

Mom would have been 57 today. We would have talked. We would have talked about our month-ends and about how having birthdays at the end of the month is no fun with our jobs. Then, we would have giggled and said that we secretly like it that way. Dad would have been planning to take mom out, and mom would have been scurrying to get things done at work so she could be ready. I would have told her that she is the best mom anyone could wish for and she would have said, "I know honey, you are lucky to have me," and then we would both just giggle.

I don't feel like she's been gone for four months, and yet I long to just talk to her. I miss her so much that my bones hurt. My sweet, sweet grandma called this morning, and just simply said, "We will get through it today." I can't even begin to imagine her pain or Popsie's. As much as I yearn for mom I cannot imagine losing my child.

57 reasons why I think my mom was THE BOMB!

1. When she would get really tickled, she would simulate holding her nose like she could somehow hold the tears of laughter in by doing that.
2. She was always using fake tanners and turning her eyebrows orange, and then she would say, "Well at least I don't need an eyebrow pencil."
3. She was my best friend.
4. She had great style yet insisted on comfy shoes---like naturalizers and clarks.
5. She could laugh at herself.
6. She read The Scripture everyday.
7. She'd always say "That's my gift" when talking about her temper or other weaknesess, because we always were in search of ours since singing and playing the piano were definitely in our makeup.
8. When she loved, it was unconditional.
9. She would buy way to much clutter, and then call me to tell me, "I just bought another thing you're gonna hate."
10. She supported me in EVERY aspect of my life without judgement.
11. When referring to Carder's temper tantrums she would say, "You just don't understand how mad we get, and if you did you wouldn't punish him."
12. She would often say, "God love him." or "God love you." in the most affectionate way.
13. Daily she prayed for my family's protection by God.
14. For years she thought Robert Redford was the hottest thing walking.
15. She would affectionately talk about Daddy and say, "Oh honey he is just sweetest, prickly guy ever." What she meant was, Dad has his own way of doing things, but a SUPER Great heart.
16. She loved Diana Ross.
17. She taught me a long bath can cure almost any ailment.
18. Chocolate and sweets were her diet.
19. She drank bitter red wine and called my wine syrup.
20. She had grit.
21. She knew how to be a great friend even when others didn't know how to be it for her.
22. She cursed out many, many fast food drive thrus after pulling away to find the wrong order.
23. She never complained.
24. She would say about Kaden, "He is going to do Great things, Rachelle."
25. She didn't like crowds.
26. She didn't like to be looked at, so when she got her new "bug" she got so embarrassed because everyone kept looking at her that she drove dad's vehicle.
27. She called her parents everyday.
28. She would always laugh and say, "You can have XYZ when I die, but now that doesn't mean you should tell them to pull the plug if I sneeze."
29. She was clumsy.
30. She didn't mind if people didn't like her.
31. She was drawn to intelligent people, and stretched herself to grow.
32. During chemotherapy when she was 35 and I was 14, She was so sick, but wanted to go places. So, I would drive her around and it was "our secret."
33. She loved daisies.
34. After Christmas she would buy tons and tons of JUNK, then the next year bring it all to me and tell me I could give it away. I would say, "Why don't you give it" and she would say, "My friends are classier than yours." We would just laugh and laugh.
35. She loved RED.
36. No obstacle was ever too big in her mind. NONE.
37. After her brain injury from the car accident, she would take IQ tests to make sure she was still smart.
38. Everytime we would get ready together, in my teens or even the last week of March, she would say, "Keep working, you are almost as pretty as me."
39. She flew overnight and changed planes twice just to spend an evening with me for my business last year. Little did we know it would be our one and only time to share that part of my life together.
40. She was hilarious.
41. She learned to text just so we could talk more.
42. She was completely fair and honest.
43. She was a runner.
44. Even though I was her only child, she never thought or expected me to be perfect or to be her life. She gave me what she had so I could live mine.
45. She was the ultimate GaGa.
46. She learned to cook and bake when I got pregnant because, "All grandma's have to learn to cook."
47. She learned to Scuba Dive.
48. We always wanted to go to the Holy Land together.
49. She was the ultimate worrier. After Grandma Bertha died, she became the world's best worrier.
50. She was a prayer warrior. She prayed all of the time all day long.
51. She would often say, "My Father will take care of that for you." She was speaking of her Heavenly Father.
52. She loved polkadots
53. She taught me that laughter is the best part of every marriage.
54. She loved Gatlinburg but hated country music.
55. She was adventurous.
56. She was great at balancing all life brought her.
57. She loved me, and she was and is my hero.

Moving Forward In BABY Steps

Aaah, the smile of one cast being removed. While it wasn't the day or good news we were expecting, we are all relieved for Kaden that his wrist has healed and is showing to be in perfect working order.

Then, there is the leg. The good news: the bone is still straight. He didn't experience great pain at the removal of the cast. The bad news: he had to have the whole leg cast put back on. The bone regrowth was minimal.

We put on great faces, smiled and ate lunch as a family. However, inside I am just so angry. I am so ready to be done with all of this. I don't understand why my little peanut has to always be the worst case scenario. 1% chance of surgery, that was him. 1% of pain after surgery that was him. Most probable to have bone regrowth and be in a smaller cast today, guess what? Yep, didn't quite meet the norm. I just hate it for him.

I hate it for all of us. It is wearing on us as a family. It is wearing on my business, Nate's passion, Carder's patience. And poor Kaden, he is so tired of this.

Ok, enough for the whining. The way I should be looking at this is that we will be healed. He will run and play again next spring.

What I wouldn't give to just have one more happy day with mom. With all of this knowledge, all of these trials, I would go back and live it up. What a lesson to be learned. Live a GREAT life every moment you have the chance, and don't let ANY silly circumstance cheat you of a minute of true happiness.

Praise be to God for his goodness. Please join me in prayer for bone regrowth to be amazing in Kaden's leg.

Great Living is Such a Choice

Friday night dark clouds gathered, the temperature dropped incredibly, and, yet we loaded our vehicle with sandwiches, snacks and sweet tea and headed for Cellular Field. It was FIREWORKS night, and Kaden was so excited. Never mind that we couldn't sit down close, never mind that he had to be wheeled in and sit uncomfortably for hours, never mind that when he had to use the bathroom as a nine year old his dad had to help him! Kaden was GRATEFUL, KIND AND FULL OF SWEETNESS!

That was completely his choice. He could have said, "Never Mind" when we brought up the idea. He could have complained of the long travel in traffic, the bad seats, the uncomfortable seat or the bad weather, but instead he CHOSE to enjoy the evening.

Because of his decision, it will probably go down as one of our favorite nights as a family. I know it will always be one of favorite Sox games. Yes, they won. He even got to see a grand slam. But more than the game, it was just his attitude and the spirit of our family that I will remember.

I still struggle on a daily basis to choose greatness. At mom's service I was struck by how many people thought of her as a GREAT woman and a GREAT friend and a GREAT leader, yet I know in the day to day grind she didn't feel that great. It really isn't a monumental accomplishment or goal achieved that causes greatness. It is the daily decision to be the better person, take the higher road and love more deeply.

I find that lately my nerves are just shot. I'm on edge. I know part of that is grief, but ALL of it is a choice. Kaden has taught me so much with his attitude, and I only hope to live a life with some degree of joy that he exudes.

Crazy Driven OR Driven Crazy

Of all places I heard this statement on a commercial on the Disney Channel today.

I am crazy driven about my business. I love my business. I love what I do. I love feeling the emotions of accomplishment. I love having something that says "Rachelle" instead of "mom" "wife" or worse yet "pastor's wife."

I am crazy driven about being a mom. I love hearing my boys say, "You are the best mom in the whole world," or the unprovoked, "I love you, mom." My boys are my world, and I cannot imagine a day not filled with their sweetness.

I am crazy driven about being a good wife. I love Nate. I love working hard at helping him accomplish his dreams, and I love knowing I am being the helpmate God designed.

I am crazy driven about being a good daughter. I love pleasing my parents. I always have. There is nothing more precious in the world than to see them smile in true admiration of respecting something I have done.

I am driven crazy by trying to juggle grief, caring for my child and the expectations I put on myself as I try to wear the hats of friend, biz owner, mom, wife and daughter.

A lot of people think I need to slow down in my business. However, the funny thing is that is where I feel the best. I know mom always felt that way too. I recently had some things happen in my business that made me feel like a failure, and I know mom would have had the right words. In fact, I just pulled out an email from mom today. In it she said,

"I'm struggling here. These past few weeks have been an onslaught of workload, change and responsibility. I have a new boss, new plant manager and utter chaos surrounding me. Just this past Sunday, the sermon really spoke to me and I realized the root cause of the problem is my lack of faith. This week has been better. I ask the Father each morning to help me turn to Him for EVERY issue - big or small. And, I ask Him to let me see Him and I do (when I look)."

I miss mom. I really miss her. She loved to work. She loved her family. She loved her friends and she really loved God and trusted him. She never judged me for loving to work, because she realized religion, rules and stereotypes don't have any place in our lives, only faith. When I had a bad day I could call her, and she really, really understood. I feel like my life source is gone, and I don't know how to pull myself through the crazy days anymore.

It used to be that when I had been driven crazy, I'd call mom. Now, it seems I just go crazy. Uggghhh...

Blooming!

Daisies have been a special flower for me for years and years. As a little girl going through my mom's hope chest there were all kinds of them that were pressed and crumbling.

Mom would get out the wedding album and the GREAT BIG Family Bible and show me the flowers from the day she had married Dad.

Later in life, daisies gained a new meaning to me because they are also July's flower. Oddly enough my mother's birthday is in July. However, a special little boy named Devin was also born in July, and as a group of loving friends and prayer warriors, we would meet daily to pray for him daily, we posted a large daisy on the door of the classroom where we prayed, and above the daisy it said, "Flower Power."

My sweet, sweet husband gives me a present on the first day of every month. On July 1st he gave me daisies to plant in the backyard. He was not aware of the significance of the month, but he did know that daisies were my moms favorite.

Today as I walked out on my patio, I smiled as I watered the daisies in full bloom. I think about mom and Devin in heaven, and I know they are in full bloom enjoying greatness we cannot fathom. It doesn't take away any of the hurt, sadness or longing, but it does give me strength to complete another day.

I look forward to the day that it is not so difficult to just focus. I look forward to really enjoying a day again. Not too long before mom died, she said she enjoyed seeing the sparkle in my eye again. She recognized I had found true happiness and satisfaction in my business, children and life. I ache to feel that again, I ache to be the daughter she raised me to be.

I know it will come for me, and now I'm just resting in the peace of knowing she is in full bloom.

So, It's Been Awhile

The last two and half weeks have been anything but normal. I struggle still every hour of every day missing mom. I miss her advice. I miss her constant presence. I miss her humor when life just sucks. I just miss her. I had a really bad event occur in my business this month, and I can just hear her say, "Well honey, if it is going to happen to someone, it is going to happen to you."

I could complain, I could describe the stress or trials, but really why? Here is the important piece: Kaden is ok. His leg will heal, and our family will be just fine. What is money? Really, it means nothing at the end of the day.

Thanks to all of our wonderful friends and family. Really, how could we get through day by day without them. We had friends from our church build a ramp so we can wheel Kaden out the front door. We had others bring movies, cards, flowers, games and just about anything you could ask for. We had people praying all over the country for Kaden as he entered surgery.

If there is anything that mom taught me it was, "Life is not fair! But God is Good." He is.

As the 4th of July dawns every year, I think of sweet Devin Cole. He only graced this earth 23 months, and yet his courageous parents and grandparents live a life that honors who he was. I'm sure Devin looks down from heaven with pride, and I can only hope to live that type of life for mom as well.

May God truly bless anyone that is reading this that is struggling to find the purpose of living in joy. I pray that you will find the strength to live a GREAT life no matter your circumstance.

Sometimes It Just Gets Harder

Trying to run a business, raise happy healthy kids, be a supportive wife, minister to those in need, offer a hand of friendship, be a supportive wife, grieve and share with dad, and grieve myself seemed like more than I could handle. Well, they always say don't be too proud to ask for help. So that is what I did. I went to see a grief counselor a few weeks ago. It really helped.

Then, last night, it just got harder. Kaden and Carder were playing in the storage area of the new church office when they kicked their ball into the loft area. Kaden went in search of the ball, and noticed it actually landed on the opposite side where there were just little white tiles. He took a couple of steps towards the ball and fell 10 feet through the false ceiling.

At that point, I received a phone call during my business presentation. I could hear my son screaming in the background, hear Nate's calm yet very scared voice, and off I went to the ER driving 90 miles an hour. The whole way there I just wanted to talk to mom.

An hour later we looked at Xrays showing us a broken wrist and broken tibia bone. Kaden was in extreme pain even with vicadin and ibuprofen. I laid beside him as he cried, and thought, " All I want to do is call mom."

Today, we were able to get the casts and we got the prognosis that it will 4-5 weeks for the wrist and 8-10 weeks for the leg. Kaden was SUPER brave, and we are glad the pain has subsided for the most part.

Sometimes it seems, life just gets harder. It also all seems so fragile. Tonight I'm just full of fear, hurt and incredible pain all over again. I miss mom so much. Dad is on his way tomorrow. I know it is time to "get tough" but all I want to do is hide in my house and pretend I'm in a bubble.

Yet, for mom.....I WILL NOT! I will laugh, enjoy and live, and someday it won't be an incredibly difficult choice to just get dressed. And still in all of this, I praise God. He is not measured in my heart by the conditions of this world, rather I know his sacrifice gives me hope of a place and a life much better than this.