So today for my business, I attended something called EWomen's Network. It is just a group of women business owners that collaborate to network, share and grow. I sat at a table with a woman about 5 years older than mom that said, "I'm 60 and just beginning my life." Immediately tears flooded my eyes. I had to gain my composure.
I have come a long way in my grief. However, I still want to scream, "ITS NOT FAIR!"
Mom was just beginning her life too. We had so many plans, so many dreams, so many things on our bucket list. The week before she died, she said, "Honey you better hurry up and make a lot of money because I'm not gonna live forever and we have a lot of traveling to do."
Oh mom, why didn't we just do it? I watched this woman today say how happy she is. I thought, "I hope her daughter realizes how lucky she is."
Life is so short. There are so many experiences and I intend to live it. I miss you so much that I could crumble today, but I won't because that grit you gave me is strong and real!
Friday, January 15, 2010
Sunday, January 10, 2010
PERCEPTION
Perception is an interesting concept. Someone's perception is their reality. Right, Wrong, Indifferent it is theirs.
As 2010 approached, I looked at it as a fresh start, a new beginning, a way to release myself from all the hurt and disappointment of 2009. I still look at it this way. The sting of missing mom still takes my breath away. The shock of picking up the phone to realize, no I really can't call her still catches me off guard, but the hope of life with joy is in my future.
Funny though, my boys perceived 2010 completely different. They both took mom's death hard, but as all children, they bounced back quick and only occasionally showed grief-filled emotion. I assumed that was just the way it was for children.
A couple of nights into our new year, our boys came downstairs after bedtime. It was an unusual event in our house, and I was the disciplinarian. Scolding Carder and telling him to return to bed before I saw the tears. He simply looked at me and said, "I...I...I...just miss GaGa." He hasn't stuttered in a long time. I realized the depth of his hurt, and scooped him into my lap.
We sat for about 2-3 minutes talking about what we missed, when Nate heard something. He walked to our stairway to find sweet, 9-yr old Kaden sobbing silently on the steps. Kaden explained to us, that we were starting our first year without Gaga. We huddled as a family and wept. Laughing, crying and sharing our favorite mom moments.
In my limited perspective, I had just looked to begin this year with the hope of 2009 being past, in their perspective we were just beginning the grief. I think both perspectives are absolute TRUTH. That is what is so interesting about perspective, it can only change when you do.
I miss mom today as much as I did on April 2nd --actually probably more. I was still the same person then, and there wasn't that much to discuss. Now, nine months later, I have experienced so many joys, so many hurts, so much growth that I'd just like to share it all with her. However, I know that she still teaches me the right direction and choices and whispers she is proud of me when I need it most.
As 2010 approached, I looked at it as a fresh start, a new beginning, a way to release myself from all the hurt and disappointment of 2009. I still look at it this way. The sting of missing mom still takes my breath away. The shock of picking up the phone to realize, no I really can't call her still catches me off guard, but the hope of life with joy is in my future.
Funny though, my boys perceived 2010 completely different. They both took mom's death hard, but as all children, they bounced back quick and only occasionally showed grief-filled emotion. I assumed that was just the way it was for children.
A couple of nights into our new year, our boys came downstairs after bedtime. It was an unusual event in our house, and I was the disciplinarian. Scolding Carder and telling him to return to bed before I saw the tears. He simply looked at me and said, "I...I...I...just miss GaGa." He hasn't stuttered in a long time. I realized the depth of his hurt, and scooped him into my lap.
We sat for about 2-3 minutes talking about what we missed, when Nate heard something. He walked to our stairway to find sweet, 9-yr old Kaden sobbing silently on the steps. Kaden explained to us, that we were starting our first year without Gaga. We huddled as a family and wept. Laughing, crying and sharing our favorite mom moments.
In my limited perspective, I had just looked to begin this year with the hope of 2009 being past, in their perspective we were just beginning the grief. I think both perspectives are absolute TRUTH. That is what is so interesting about perspective, it can only change when you do.
I miss mom today as much as I did on April 2nd --actually probably more. I was still the same person then, and there wasn't that much to discuss. Now, nine months later, I have experienced so many joys, so many hurts, so much growth that I'd just like to share it all with her. However, I know that she still teaches me the right direction and choices and whispers she is proud of me when I need it most.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
RICK STARR
Today there was another celebration of life. Unfortunately, I could not be there to celebrate the life of the man that forever changed our family's life, and my hope in the Lord.
Rick Starr was a man, a dad, a granddad, and he was normal. He had the most amazing gifts and heart, and he also had faults, was human and super competitive in sports. That may not sound like the best eulogy, but you have to understand that it really is.
You see, Rick taught our family that real people can do amazing things for God. Before Rick, we assumed that you had to be perfect, know the Scripture inside and out, and walk a perfect Christian life to change the world, be worthy of a miracle or have real relationship with God. Rick showed us the other side of Christianity - FAITH. He showed and taught us that our God is a POWERFUL GOD of miracles. He taught us that with the faith of a mustard seed we could really move our own mountains.
My mom's mountain was breast cancer. We were not given a good diagnosis. Sarah Sutfin's mountain was brain tumor. They were not given a good diagnosis. Rick prayed with us. He taught us to believe our Father's promises. He stood in the gap for us.
I firmly believe that because of the power of prayer, my mother survived not only breast cancer but a horrible car accident and brain injury. I thank God for Rick Starr his influence in our life, and his legacy of faith that he has left. He taught us to trust God in all things
I only wish that God would give those of us left here a glimpse of the glory in which people like Rick, mom and Ross are experiencing. I can only imagine the great days of talks and enjoyment mom and Rick are experiencing.
I pray for my dad and Debbie. I pray for Sara, Bethany Jake and Josh. The hurt is so raw for them right now. My hurt is still so deep and dark. Yet, because of Rick's way of explaining Scripture, I know there is amazing hope and power in prayer despite the outcome of his battle with cancer.
After struggling so deeply when a friend of mine lost his mom to cancer in college, I asked Rick, "Why did she die, I prayed the same way as I did when I prayed for mom, and I REALLY believed."
Rick said, and I'll never forget, "Rachelle, do you think you are God? Do you think you learn a magic prayer and everyone is healed?"
He went on to explain that our God is The Mighty Healer. He is capable. He can. That is all we have to believe. When we believe that, miracles can and often do occur. But God, is still God. He knows what is best in ALL situations, and our will must always surrender to his.
I only wish I could be a better person on this earth. So many that have invested in my life deserve for me to live with more intention, more passion and more love for others. Thank you Rick, Thank You Ross, Thank You MOM!
Rick Starr was a man, a dad, a granddad, and he was normal. He had the most amazing gifts and heart, and he also had faults, was human and super competitive in sports. That may not sound like the best eulogy, but you have to understand that it really is.
You see, Rick taught our family that real people can do amazing things for God. Before Rick, we assumed that you had to be perfect, know the Scripture inside and out, and walk a perfect Christian life to change the world, be worthy of a miracle or have real relationship with God. Rick showed us the other side of Christianity - FAITH. He showed and taught us that our God is a POWERFUL GOD of miracles. He taught us that with the faith of a mustard seed we could really move our own mountains.
My mom's mountain was breast cancer. We were not given a good diagnosis. Sarah Sutfin's mountain was brain tumor. They were not given a good diagnosis. Rick prayed with us. He taught us to believe our Father's promises. He stood in the gap for us.
I firmly believe that because of the power of prayer, my mother survived not only breast cancer but a horrible car accident and brain injury. I thank God for Rick Starr his influence in our life, and his legacy of faith that he has left. He taught us to trust God in all things
I only wish that God would give those of us left here a glimpse of the glory in which people like Rick, mom and Ross are experiencing. I can only imagine the great days of talks and enjoyment mom and Rick are experiencing.
I pray for my dad and Debbie. I pray for Sara, Bethany Jake and Josh. The hurt is so raw for them right now. My hurt is still so deep and dark. Yet, because of Rick's way of explaining Scripture, I know there is amazing hope and power in prayer despite the outcome of his battle with cancer.
After struggling so deeply when a friend of mine lost his mom to cancer in college, I asked Rick, "Why did she die, I prayed the same way as I did when I prayed for mom, and I REALLY believed."
Rick said, and I'll never forget, "Rachelle, do you think you are God? Do you think you learn a magic prayer and everyone is healed?"
He went on to explain that our God is The Mighty Healer. He is capable. He can. That is all we have to believe. When we believe that, miracles can and often do occur. But God, is still God. He knows what is best in ALL situations, and our will must always surrender to his.
I only wish I could be a better person on this earth. So many that have invested in my life deserve for me to live with more intention, more passion and more love for others. Thank you Rick, Thank You Ross, Thank You MOM!
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
3 Days Left
I smile as I write that. Mom would be saying and thinking the same thing....WHEW! This year is almost over! HALLELUJAH! I am sitting down to my computer without a list of to-do's a mile long for the first time in months.
I simply cannot wait for a New Year! I am fully aware that each day brings its own troubles, but there is something so peace-giving to think of starting fresh.
The boys are healthy, dad is safe and healthy and Nate and I are looking forward to a year of intentional time spent together, with our kids, our family and on living out each day in the way that God would have us use our talents. A high order? Absolutely. One worth striving for though.
May God bless us with a fabulous new 2010.
I simply cannot wait for a New Year! I am fully aware that each day brings its own troubles, but there is something so peace-giving to think of starting fresh.
The boys are healthy, dad is safe and healthy and Nate and I are looking forward to a year of intentional time spent together, with our kids, our family and on living out each day in the way that God would have us use our talents. A high order? Absolutely. One worth striving for though.
May God bless us with a fabulous new 2010.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
All Snug In Their Beds
It is Christmas Eve. I can hear my dads voice as he tells the boy's bedtime stories to go to sleep. I can see by the light of the Christmas tree, I can smell the cookies that are sitting on the plate for Santa. I can feel the cold from the front door where the carrots are placed for the reindeer. I can picture the wonder on Carder's face, but...
I miss the long talks with mom, the fright in her eyes as we make too much noise filling the stockings, the sheer delight in the last minute trip for the toy just announced as most important, the roll of the eyes as I say the boys have too much. I miss EVERY part of her tonight.
Her spirit truly is here. We went to lunch with Grandma and Popsie today, and on the way out the boys asked for a gumball, with a HUGE smile we dug for quarters, and Kaden said, "In honor of Gaga."
Christmas will never be the same. Yet, it is our job to make the new memories ones that she would be proud of. Dad and I tear up, exchange glances and know what the other one is feeling, but it is a choice to have a good Christmas, and WE ARE. Off to be Santa!
I miss the long talks with mom, the fright in her eyes as we make too much noise filling the stockings, the sheer delight in the last minute trip for the toy just announced as most important, the roll of the eyes as I say the boys have too much. I miss EVERY part of her tonight.
Her spirit truly is here. We went to lunch with Grandma and Popsie today, and on the way out the boys asked for a gumball, with a HUGE smile we dug for quarters, and Kaden said, "In honor of Gaga."
Christmas will never be the same. Yet, it is our job to make the new memories ones that she would be proud of. Dad and I tear up, exchange glances and know what the other one is feeling, but it is a choice to have a good Christmas, and WE ARE. Off to be Santa!
Monday, December 14, 2009
Lots of Icing
Wow, I miss mom.
I have been preparing myself for the holidays, preparing for the pain of change, yet yesterday in the middle of the mall, I thought I was going to stop breathing. I'm going along having a normal day, actually smiling and enjoying the bustle of everyone in the Christmas mood, and then I got hungry. That is not unusual, and so I headed to the cookie shop.
It was there. As I looked at the cookies, that I could so easily picture mom, and hear her saying, "Oh, look at the one with all of the icing Rachelle. Don't pick that one, I want it." I thought I was going to have a mental breakdown at the Mrs. Fields right in the middle of Louis Joliet Mall. I bravely walked up to the girl at the counter with tears streaming down my face so hard that it was slippery where I was standing, and I said, "I'll have the one with all of that extra icing." She looked at me as if the guys in the white jackets might be right behind me. I just smiled.
Tears still coming, I found a bench took my diet coke and cookie and ate every bite thinking about all of the wonderful times mom and I spent in malls shopping laughing and people watching.
It's the little moments like that. The times that no one else would even think twice. The things that when you love someone so deeply it is more about the time shared than the events or words spoken. This first Christmas is going to be harder than any of us could have imagined, but she would kick my butt from here to heaven if I let it be anything besides wonderful for my boys.
So with her grit and spirit, I am off to deck the halls and make it a great day.
I have been preparing myself for the holidays, preparing for the pain of change, yet yesterday in the middle of the mall, I thought I was going to stop breathing. I'm going along having a normal day, actually smiling and enjoying the bustle of everyone in the Christmas mood, and then I got hungry. That is not unusual, and so I headed to the cookie shop.
It was there. As I looked at the cookies, that I could so easily picture mom, and hear her saying, "Oh, look at the one with all of the icing Rachelle. Don't pick that one, I want it." I thought I was going to have a mental breakdown at the Mrs. Fields right in the middle of Louis Joliet Mall. I bravely walked up to the girl at the counter with tears streaming down my face so hard that it was slippery where I was standing, and I said, "I'll have the one with all of that extra icing." She looked at me as if the guys in the white jackets might be right behind me. I just smiled.
Tears still coming, I found a bench took my diet coke and cookie and ate every bite thinking about all of the wonderful times mom and I spent in malls shopping laughing and people watching.
It's the little moments like that. The times that no one else would even think twice. The things that when you love someone so deeply it is more about the time shared than the events or words spoken. This first Christmas is going to be harder than any of us could have imagined, but she would kick my butt from here to heaven if I let it be anything besides wonderful for my boys.
So with her grit and spirit, I am off to deck the halls and make it a great day.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Wonderful Dad
So, most of the time when I am posting, I am talking about something that mom taught me. Or my grief, struggle and search for joy. Well the same is trud today as well....Mom always taught me that I was so lucky to have the Dad I have!
Nate and I just returned from Maui after 7 days. Dad had taken the boys on Thanksgiving down to his parents. The boys shot guns with their cousins, played tackle football, rode on 4-wheelers and had a good 'ole Carder good time.
He then brought them back home to Channahon (4 hour trip), showered them, tucked them in and took them to our church on Sunday. He proceeded to wash their muddy clothes, lay out their school clothes and prepare them for a great week.
During the week my dad cleaned out our garage, cleaned out my refrigerator, cleaned my house so deeply that it probably feels naked, baked warm cookies for the boys each day, fixed meals each night, sewed Carder's blanket and did a WONDERFUL job spoiling the boys.
I cannot imagine any other man, grandfather or dad that is so able to be hunter, fisherman, handyman, seamstress, cook and baker. As lucky as my dad was to have my mom, I think mom was even luckier.
I came back a refreshed me. Dad knew that his babygirl needed a break. Only a parent can have a love that deep. So deep that when he is hurting the worst, he still serves and helps his daughter to help her heart heal.
God's love is like that. I AM SO FORTUNATE for the parents that I have. Often times, people feel bad for me in the absence of siblings. God more than made up for whatever I may have missed by granting me two of the best parents any gal could ask for.
He is now making the 4 hour trek back to Southern Illinois, before he starts out for the 13 hour drive to South Carolina tomorrow. I love you Daddy!
Nate and I just returned from Maui after 7 days. Dad had taken the boys on Thanksgiving down to his parents. The boys shot guns with their cousins, played tackle football, rode on 4-wheelers and had a good 'ole Carder good time.
He then brought them back home to Channahon (4 hour trip), showered them, tucked them in and took them to our church on Sunday. He proceeded to wash their muddy clothes, lay out their school clothes and prepare them for a great week.
During the week my dad cleaned out our garage, cleaned out my refrigerator, cleaned my house so deeply that it probably feels naked, baked warm cookies for the boys each day, fixed meals each night, sewed Carder's blanket and did a WONDERFUL job spoiling the boys.
I cannot imagine any other man, grandfather or dad that is so able to be hunter, fisherman, handyman, seamstress, cook and baker. As lucky as my dad was to have my mom, I think mom was even luckier.
I came back a refreshed me. Dad knew that his babygirl needed a break. Only a parent can have a love that deep. So deep that when he is hurting the worst, he still serves and helps his daughter to help her heart heal.
God's love is like that. I AM SO FORTUNATE for the parents that I have. Often times, people feel bad for me in the absence of siblings. God more than made up for whatever I may have missed by granting me two of the best parents any gal could ask for.
He is now making the 4 hour trek back to Southern Illinois, before he starts out for the 13 hour drive to South Carolina tomorrow. I love you Daddy!
Friday, November 20, 2009
My Dear Jamie
When I say, BEST FRIEND, who comes to your mind? If you are like me, you run through life and think of the many, many best friends you are surrounded by. Someone that I work for once said, "Oh that's your other 5th best friend." I have so many wonderful women in my life whose friendship I adore and treasure.
However, if I say, "CHILDOOD BEST FRIEND," I bet only one name pops into your mind. My childhood best friend, high school partner in crime, and maid of honor in my wedding was Jamie. She was the person that first caused milk to come out of my nose because I laughed so hard. She is the person that cried with me over my first broken heart, the person that sang off-key with me in my first car that had no radio, she was my friend when my mom first had cancer, she was my childhood best friend, and she is still the smartest person I have encountered on this earth.
When mom passed away this year she wrote pages of memories about her time at our house with mom. When important life events happen, we always reconnect and say we need to see more of each other, and then life moves forward and we lose touch again.
Well, today I am heading back to our hometown to be there as she buries her son, Jake. He was only able to grace this earth for a few short days. Why is it that life has to be so damn hard? Why is it that hurt cannot be spared from anyone? I don't know the answers to those questions, but I do know that if it were not for friendship this world would be a lonely horrible place.
I ask anyone reading this blog to say a prayer for my sweet, sweet friend. She and her husband Tim are going to need extraordinary strength that can only come from the Lord to make it through these next few weeks, holidays, years and life.
I ached to see, hug and comfort my friend. I wish more than anything she could be spared from this grief. As another great friend of mine says, friendship helps multiply the love and divides the grief. I hope that is in someway true.
If I have learned anything through the many sorrows I have witnessed in my adult life, it is that we are never promised tomorrow. We must embrace the day, love those in our path, and live each day to glorify our Lord and Savior because everything else just doesn't matter.
However, if I say, "CHILDOOD BEST FRIEND," I bet only one name pops into your mind. My childhood best friend, high school partner in crime, and maid of honor in my wedding was Jamie. She was the person that first caused milk to come out of my nose because I laughed so hard. She is the person that cried with me over my first broken heart, the person that sang off-key with me in my first car that had no radio, she was my friend when my mom first had cancer, she was my childhood best friend, and she is still the smartest person I have encountered on this earth.
When mom passed away this year she wrote pages of memories about her time at our house with mom. When important life events happen, we always reconnect and say we need to see more of each other, and then life moves forward and we lose touch again.
Well, today I am heading back to our hometown to be there as she buries her son, Jake. He was only able to grace this earth for a few short days. Why is it that life has to be so damn hard? Why is it that hurt cannot be spared from anyone? I don't know the answers to those questions, but I do know that if it were not for friendship this world would be a lonely horrible place.
I ask anyone reading this blog to say a prayer for my sweet, sweet friend. She and her husband Tim are going to need extraordinary strength that can only come from the Lord to make it through these next few weeks, holidays, years and life.
I ached to see, hug and comfort my friend. I wish more than anything she could be spared from this grief. As another great friend of mine says, friendship helps multiply the love and divides the grief. I hope that is in someway true.
If I have learned anything through the many sorrows I have witnessed in my adult life, it is that we are never promised tomorrow. We must embrace the day, love those in our path, and live each day to glorify our Lord and Savior because everything else just doesn't matter.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
A New Reason To Smile
It's a BOY.
Twice today I received that news. My cousin, Shannon is going to have a boy. From what I understand his name will be Colin. HOW EXCITING! He is looking healthy and active, and Shannon told me via text that he was very active. He will be here in April, and our family needs a little added smile.
My one wish is that Mom could have been around to tell Aunt Vicki, "I told you so." Even Vicki was a little shocked by how crazy my parents became about their grandchildren. No two people have ever morphed into crazy loons like my parents morphed when I gave birth. However, I think when Shannon's little Colin arrives, we will see several people go insanely crazy with pampering and spoiling.
Second, I heard that Lindy gave birth to healthy Chase Ryan. My eyes filled with tears as I praised God for a wonderful delivery. My heart lept for joy as I cannot begin to imagine the incredible emotion that surrounded their family today. (One year ago, Lindy was on her honeymoon when she heard the news that she had lost her sister, niece[age 1] and nephew[age 3] to car accident -- they were hit by a drunk driver)
Life goes on. It is a hard reality. Yet, it also makes you treasure and choose more wisely. Today I am so grateful for the joy that is available if we just open up enough to enjoy it.
I cannot wait to meet Colin. I will have to take my mom's role in spoiling. Hmmmm, hard task, I think not!
Twice today I received that news. My cousin, Shannon is going to have a boy. From what I understand his name will be Colin. HOW EXCITING! He is looking healthy and active, and Shannon told me via text that he was very active. He will be here in April, and our family needs a little added smile.
My one wish is that Mom could have been around to tell Aunt Vicki, "I told you so." Even Vicki was a little shocked by how crazy my parents became about their grandchildren. No two people have ever morphed into crazy loons like my parents morphed when I gave birth. However, I think when Shannon's little Colin arrives, we will see several people go insanely crazy with pampering and spoiling.
Second, I heard that Lindy gave birth to healthy Chase Ryan. My eyes filled with tears as I praised God for a wonderful delivery. My heart lept for joy as I cannot begin to imagine the incredible emotion that surrounded their family today. (One year ago, Lindy was on her honeymoon when she heard the news that she had lost her sister, niece[age 1] and nephew[age 3] to car accident -- they were hit by a drunk driver)
Life goes on. It is a hard reality. Yet, it also makes you treasure and choose more wisely. Today I am so grateful for the joy that is available if we just open up enough to enjoy it.
I cannot wait to meet Colin. I will have to take my mom's role in spoiling. Hmmmm, hard task, I think not!
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Advent Calendar
Today was a fun day. It started with Nate buying a circular saw and helping the boys build a make-shift fort for their nerf gun wars. It continued with both boys playing outside all afternoon since it was an unseasonably beautiful day, and in the meantime Nate squeezed in one of the last rounds of golf of the year.
After working, I decided it would probably be the best day to get a lot of Christmas decorating done. Carder helped me unpack many of the knick-knacks, wreaths, lights and garland. As I placed mom's picture with some sentimental items around it, Carder said, "You can't put that there, where will we put our thing with all the drawers and prizes?"
He was referring to our advent calendar. Every year, mom lovingly fills the boxes with toys, money, etc. Also each year at Thanksgiving she delivers it quietly to me without the boys knowing. As I looked at those sweet little eyes, my eyes filled with tears.
There are just so many things that I took for granted. So many memories that I cherish and yet to think of creating new memories without her causes unbelievable anguish. It will be a new type of Christmas. Each day as the boys open those drawers it will remind me of her smile.
My promise to mom was that I would live a great life. Some of the last words that I whispered to her, "I will be happy, I promise." As we enter the Holiday season my promise seems very hard to keep, and yet it is that very promise that causes me to embrace each day, memory and new tradition with joy.
After working, I decided it would probably be the best day to get a lot of Christmas decorating done. Carder helped me unpack many of the knick-knacks, wreaths, lights and garland. As I placed mom's picture with some sentimental items around it, Carder said, "You can't put that there, where will we put our thing with all the drawers and prizes?"
He was referring to our advent calendar. Every year, mom lovingly fills the boxes with toys, money, etc. Also each year at Thanksgiving she delivers it quietly to me without the boys knowing. As I looked at those sweet little eyes, my eyes filled with tears.
There are just so many things that I took for granted. So many memories that I cherish and yet to think of creating new memories without her causes unbelievable anguish. It will be a new type of Christmas. Each day as the boys open those drawers it will remind me of her smile.
My promise to mom was that I would live a great life. Some of the last words that I whispered to her, "I will be happy, I promise." As we enter the Holiday season my promise seems very hard to keep, and yet it is that very promise that causes me to embrace each day, memory and new tradition with joy.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
A Weekend Of Fun
Carder, Seth, Kaden, Ella, Drew, Riley and Whittaker!
Whew! What a GREAT group of kids, and fun for our
Ferguson Thanksgiving!
Cousins Carder and Ella are excited for Whittaker's dedication!
Kaden and Seth....hmmm...Who is the bigger boy?
Ferguson Family Bingo.....Drew WINS!
Grandpa Charlie and Drew
Grandma Missy and Whittaker
It was definitely a fun-filled, relaxing weekend. The kids have us hopping, and they are sweet, sweet, sweet. Puzzles, bingo, soccer, s'mores, turkey, church, chili, sunshine................LIFE IS FULL OF BLESSINGS!
Monday, November 9, 2009
Shocking Wave
Today is one of those shocking wave days. Living life, working, talking, texting--Then it hits. That shocking wave of grief that comes like a mountain crashing on your chest. It isn't a choice whether or not to feel it. The choice comes in how you handle the wave.
I could hold my breath and wait for it to pass. Pretend that the wave was a rarity that won't occur again in regular intervals.
I could try to ignore it and continue on like life is normal. Of course that would be like being in the ocean and opening my mouth and refusing to swim as the wave hit. Ignoring a wave of grief could just as easily kill my spirit.
Sometimes in grief, just when you think you have a handle on somethings, a big wave comes through. Today I REALLY miss mom. I want to talk to her about everything. I want to discuss my business, my marriage, my kids, my turkey dinner, my LIFE. I wish we could just have one more really long talk. She was my core of strength, and my very best friend.
Instead, I have to learn to tread water as this wave comes. It does not mean I do not experience joy or stop living. But it does mean, that I have to take the time to remember, cry and grieve. I have learned to embrace the shocking waves, because another is coming as sure as the sun rises in the east.
I could hold my breath and wait for it to pass. Pretend that the wave was a rarity that won't occur again in regular intervals.
I could try to ignore it and continue on like life is normal. Of course that would be like being in the ocean and opening my mouth and refusing to swim as the wave hit. Ignoring a wave of grief could just as easily kill my spirit.
Sometimes in grief, just when you think you have a handle on somethings, a big wave comes through. Today I REALLY miss mom. I want to talk to her about everything. I want to discuss my business, my marriage, my kids, my turkey dinner, my LIFE. I wish we could just have one more really long talk. She was my core of strength, and my very best friend.
Instead, I have to learn to tread water as this wave comes. It does not mean I do not experience joy or stop living. But it does mean, that I have to take the time to remember, cry and grieve. I have learned to embrace the shocking waves, because another is coming as sure as the sun rises in the east.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
The Holiday of Gratefulness
I love November. Thanksgiving is absolutely my favorite holiday all year long. I love it because it is about thanking God for our many blessings. It is a time to gather with family to reconnect and laugh and love.
I have so much to be thankful for, and so many reasons to celebrate this wonderful life.
It will be hard on our hearts this year. I am cooking a turkey for Nate's family this weekend. So many times I have wanted to call mom in the last few days just so that she could laugh at me trying to cook. I am determined to enjoy this holiday as that is what she would desire for me. Her love and her life is to precious to be the constant reason for tears.
As I prepare for our first guests of the season to arrive tonight I am really making every effort to be "in the mood" for celebrating life. Just like the title of this blog, "Choosing To Live A Great Life," every situation is a choice. I can choose to be sad and have difficult holidays, or I can choose to celebrate the blessings that are here and now. I'm not blind to the fact that there will be piercing memories and shocking waves of grief, but it is my choice to make those the rare moments rather than the entirity of the holiday.
So, with that, I am off to put away groceries, turn on the music and wait for my nieces, nephews and wonderful family to arrive.
Life is not fair, but God is SOOOOOOOO Good!
I have so much to be thankful for, and so many reasons to celebrate this wonderful life.
It will be hard on our hearts this year. I am cooking a turkey for Nate's family this weekend. So many times I have wanted to call mom in the last few days just so that she could laugh at me trying to cook. I am determined to enjoy this holiday as that is what she would desire for me. Her love and her life is to precious to be the constant reason for tears.
As I prepare for our first guests of the season to arrive tonight I am really making every effort to be "in the mood" for celebrating life. Just like the title of this blog, "Choosing To Live A Great Life," every situation is a choice. I can choose to be sad and have difficult holidays, or I can choose to celebrate the blessings that are here and now. I'm not blind to the fact that there will be piercing memories and shocking waves of grief, but it is my choice to make those the rare moments rather than the entirity of the holiday.
So, with that, I am off to put away groceries, turn on the music and wait for my nieces, nephews and wonderful family to arrive.
Life is not fair, but God is SOOOOOOOO Good!
Monday, October 26, 2009
Character
Someone that I really respect says, "Character is the ability to persist with a decision long after the emotion that helped you make that decisions is gone."
My rendition of that is, "Character is not determined in the upswing."
Sometimes life can be hard. Sometimes it is easier to look at all that is wrong with the world rather than what is right. It can often seem like there are few joys to experience, enjoy and share.
The reality is that just like beauty, joy is in the eye of the beholder. Just watch a toddler. Joy is never more than a moment away. New sights, new discoveries, the smile of a loved one, the promise of candy, everything brings a new source of joy.
As I enter the holiday season, I hope I can focus on the joys it will bring rather than the sorrow and longing for mom. I hope I can see the world through her eyes as she walks along the streets of gold and waits for us to arrive. I hope that I never think joy comes from external circumstances.
Character is a funny thing. You think you have it, and then life shoots you an unexpected blow. Reality is that character is actually defined and displayed in the face of adversity. If you cannot show it there, it doesn't really exist.
I think my character needs to be formed. Maybe that is what I hear mom whispering in my ear, "This is the grit I've been telling you about for years, honey."
My rendition of that is, "Character is not determined in the upswing."
Sometimes life can be hard. Sometimes it is easier to look at all that is wrong with the world rather than what is right. It can often seem like there are few joys to experience, enjoy and share.
The reality is that just like beauty, joy is in the eye of the beholder. Just watch a toddler. Joy is never more than a moment away. New sights, new discoveries, the smile of a loved one, the promise of candy, everything brings a new source of joy.
As I enter the holiday season, I hope I can focus on the joys it will bring rather than the sorrow and longing for mom. I hope I can see the world through her eyes as she walks along the streets of gold and waits for us to arrive. I hope that I never think joy comes from external circumstances.
Character is a funny thing. You think you have it, and then life shoots you an unexpected blow. Reality is that character is actually defined and displayed in the face of adversity. If you cannot show it there, it doesn't really exist.
I think my character needs to be formed. Maybe that is what I hear mom whispering in my ear, "This is the grit I've been telling you about for years, honey."
Saturday, October 10, 2009
A New Season
I love fall. This year, however, fall seems to bring a new season into our family in many different ways.
Every change of season brings about a new beginning. Some love spring and summer, and some even love winter. I personally love fall, and yet others see it as an end to the good part of the year. Seasons remind me of the trials we face in life. And no matter what life may hand you, it is not the circumstance that defines your happiness, it is how you decide to think and feel and react to the circumstance that defines not only your contentment but also your character.
I am learning to stop and enjoy the true joys life has to offer. Lunch with an old friend, laughter that makes your side hurt, little boys laughing, my dad's smile, running into old friends. I believe that a life with purpose is one that makes others better.
That was why my mom was so great. She made others around her better. As I enter into the thankful season, I am really going to try to work on living a life of gratitude and joy. Because honestly, what better thing does this life offer us than joy?
We just returned from a weekend at a hotel so that Kaden could swim. His smile told it all. The joy of a 9 year old swimming for the first time in 4 months. The sound of his laugh and the sight of his glowing face as he plunged in over and over is one that will be with me for a long time.
It is a true reminder that the greatest things in life are free. Really and truly they are.
Every change of season brings about a new beginning. Some love spring and summer, and some even love winter. I personally love fall, and yet others see it as an end to the good part of the year. Seasons remind me of the trials we face in life. And no matter what life may hand you, it is not the circumstance that defines your happiness, it is how you decide to think and feel and react to the circumstance that defines not only your contentment but also your character.
I am learning to stop and enjoy the true joys life has to offer. Lunch with an old friend, laughter that makes your side hurt, little boys laughing, my dad's smile, running into old friends. I believe that a life with purpose is one that makes others better.
That was why my mom was so great. She made others around her better. As I enter into the thankful season, I am really going to try to work on living a life of gratitude and joy. Because honestly, what better thing does this life offer us than joy?
We just returned from a weekend at a hotel so that Kaden could swim. His smile told it all. The joy of a 9 year old swimming for the first time in 4 months. The sound of his laugh and the sight of his glowing face as he plunged in over and over is one that will be with me for a long time.
It is a true reminder that the greatest things in life are free. Really and truly they are.
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