It is really odd how grief works. I am still me. I still think funny thoughts. I still love my friends and family. I still dislike some people. I still get annoyed by bad drivers. Yet, there is a part of me that is incredibly different. I will be as normal as normal can be, and then something so small just immobilizes me.
For instance, today I have a lot of things on my to-do-list, but I went to the gym and returned a business call while I was on the treadmill. We set a tentative meeting, and now I feel like I want to run and hide on an island instead of going to that meeting. That is SO SO crazy. This person did not know my mother. This person and I have not met, and the meeting would be super easy, yet that phone call has flooded me with emotions of grief and fear. I can just hear mom saying, "Suck it up and get some of that grit I keep talking about."
I can go for a few hours of normalcy and then sometimes I even feel guilty. Like why am I not crying. That is so stupid. I know she wouldn't want me to cry. I know God gives me the strength and wants me to live a GREAT life, but it seems like I should have a grief reflective of the love I have and had for her. As I write this, I know how crazy it must sound, but there is a sense of guilt that comes with having a better day. I know it is not a correct emotion, but it is there all the same.
Living a GREAT Life is such a minute by minute choice. As I enter back into the real world, I hope to truly be a better person everyday. I just got a text message from someone I love. My dear friend is a DOCTOR! Mom would have been emailing and texting me today to share the good news. I can hear her saying, "She did it, I knew she would."
I am thankful for all that mom taught me and continues to teach me through those she touched while she was here. I'm off to push through another day.
There was a song that was sung at Dave's Dad's funeral. I can't remember the exact title of the song, but it was about that we need the "quiet times" to be able to deal with the other times in our busy lives. I have thought of that often since that time. It has helped me to deal with some sad times and to enjoy the happy times without guilty feelings.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard not to look back and see times when you might have done things differently, but the feelings of guilt that you expressed do not come from Father God. Remember that. Satan can't destroy you or your family. You are covered by the blood of Jesus.
Mom would have wanted to be happy and to enjoy every single moment of your life with your husband and boys. She would have wanted you to do well with your business. She would have reminded you that it takes hard work and lots of "meetings" that we would rather not attend.
She didn't really like meetings. She was always thinking of the other things that she had to do and planning how she could get all the things that she wanted to accomplish finished. Remember, Mom is there(in your mind, in your thoughts and in spirit) saying all the encouraging things, with confidence that you are a strong woman and you can do whatever you set your mind and heart to do. Praying for you and believing that you just need a little quiet time with your memories and with the word of God.
LOL-- I am making vegetable soup and I got so interested in reading your blog, that I forgot it and almost ruined the soup.
Funny?