Dad and I traveled ALL day yesterday IN THE RAIN. Yes, we made it from Summerville, SC to Channahon, IL in record time 13 1/2 hours, but we were in the rain for 12 hours of the trip. Whew, we were so glad to get here, and then guess what we woke up to....yes, you guessed it -- RAIN!
Dark clouds and cold weather, yet we still feel better when we are together, and the boys make us smile and remember the great parts of life. We hurried back to Illinois, so we wouldn't miss Carder's big night. Tonight was his 1st grade music program. No offense meant, but when did music become "non-fun?" Carder was thrilled and proud to stand behind a xylophone and never strike it. There were no songs, and the idea was definitely not entertainment. I think I need to go back to school to better appreciate the arts. Our focus is definitely Carder this week with the big birthday approaching.
Anyway, Dad and I made big headway on our thank you notes today, and hopefully tomorrow we will make it closer to the end. Our grief is now just becoming a part of our life. The question is, "How do you choose to live in light of this new part of life?" Somedays I am better than others. Somedays are terrible. We are praying for better days to come.
I am just taking each day at a time. I look forward to knowing better how to plan for the future. I really wish I could just take care of Dad, Grandma and Popsie, the boys, Nate and work and somehow take everyone's grief and carry it myself. I feel a responsibility to help those I love and that love mom, and yet I know that there is ABSOLUTELY nothing I can do.
It's funny, I have so many people constantly saying, "What can I do for you?" I have truly GREAT, FANTASTIC friends and family that are reaching out, and I feel guilty because I am not the 'normal Rachelle' with them. I can't find that gal. I know how they feel, because I feel that way too, I miss being me. I miss real laughter, real joy, real living. "Bring mom back just like she was, without Leukemia, perfectly healthy!" that is what I want to scream. That is the only way I know how to get Rachelle back. Yet, I know that isn't an option, so there is nothing else that can be done for me, or for any of my family.
Nate and I are going away tomorrow night. I think it will be great for all of us. Dad will have the boys to himself. Nate and I will have a chance to talk alone for the first time since I left for SC when mom was sick, and I can cry without anyone else in my house or space. Please pray for all of us that this is a useful, healing time and that the boys are feeling secure in their routine. I worry for them too. Ugghh, I know I have to find a "new" normal, but it seems very far away from normal right now.
As I reread this, it sounds like whining, and I can just see my mom rolling her eyes. Being tough, and getting "GRIT," as mom says, is harder than it sounds, but I am determined to be a better wife, better mother, better daughter, better granddaughter, better friend and better person on the other side of this grief.
I just pray that the other side of grief is a real destination because right now it seems as real as a unicorn.
Rachelle, Rachelle, Rachelle. I don't hear whining at all. BUT, I hear "fix it". You are a "boot grabber/puller upper" kinda gal. I KNOW as sure as I am sitting here that you of all people, will come out on the other side. But guess what, I don't think you will be the same "Rachelle". How can you? You have great big huge giganto expectations of yourself. Cut yourself some slack. I KNOW you want to "pull it together" and come back to this pre-loss-of-mom space...and I KNOW this is SO cliche, but somehow somewhere this is molding, changing and creating something/perhaps someone different. I don't understand why terrible, hurtful things happen. But, YOU are entitled to your grief. Remember, it is undefined because it belongs to you, as it does to your dad and grandparents. Sometimes, it is a very difficult fight to separate the intellectual from the emotional. I always know how I'm "supposed" to feel, or that I'm not "supposed" to worry, etc. But, oh sometimes it is so very very hard to DO it. I guess it will all shape to form a new and different path. Please, don't feel guilty about your definition of what and who Rachelle is "supposed" to be. We are all still going to love you and be here while you are getting to the other side and when you get to the other side, just as we do now.
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